The question merits a list:
1) Jarrod Saltalamacchia C, Red Sox
The last name gets all the attention, but “Jarrod” ain’t exactly normal. If I were a bully in Jarrod’s third grade class I would separate the two syllables and call him Jar-rod. It wouldn’t mean much, except that they’re both English words and I would say it in a mocking tone, like “How’s your jar of rods, Jar-rod?” Then I would run for cover because presumably a third grade version of Jarrod Saltalamacchia could kick my ass.
Conclusion: I would make a terrible bully.
2) Andruw Jones OF, Yankees
There are few things in this world as meaningless at the “w” in Andruw. In traditional spellings the “w” reins supreme, without him the young man would be an Andre - and who likes an Andre? But add in a “u” and the “w” becomes ancillary. From central cog to also-ran, imagine the sort of existential angst that comes with such complete marginalization. Only a power-hitting wunderkind turned piss-poor platoon player could possibly understand such emotional extremes...
Yes, yes, embrace the brilliance of my analytics.
3) Reid Brignac UT, Rays
When Reid Brignac was born in 1986, Andy Reid was an offensive line coach at Northern Arizona University. I can only assume Mrs. Brignac has a deep reverence for red-headed position coaches working at small universities in the American Southwest. Perhaps she finds inspiration in dry heat or cacti or reams of paper detailing proper blocking technique. If not, the misspelling of this name defies logic.
4) Jhonny Peralta SS, Tigers
Whoah Jhonny, how’d that “h” get loohse? Oh ghod, waht’s happening? The letter “h” has rebelled against its huhman masters! It’s jhumping from syllable to syllabhle wihtout any respect for spehling or semantics! Heeeeehhhhhlllllppp meeeeeeeeeeh!
5) Jayson Nix/Werth OF, Indians / OF, Nationals
America, level with me. In the future will I have to respectfully address people named Dayvid and Jaymes and Jaycob? Because if that’s the case I’ll just go ahead and expatriate now.
6) Brayan Pena C, Royals
And so it begins...
7) Daric Barton 1B, Athletics
The second most interesting thing about this guy is that he walks a lot, so the first name is under a lot of pressure to perform.
8) Chone Figgins 3B, Mariners
True story: In 2002 I attended back-to-back games of an August series between the Anaheim Angels and the Baltimore Orioles at Camden Yards. The first game was an Angels romp that just so happened to feature Chone Figgins’ first career at bat. I arrived early for the second game to watch batting practice, and as I ambled around the lower level behind home plate with my dad, I ran into an elderly couple and struck up a conversation. Turns out the guy was a pastor or deacon or something, and he and his wife were at the game because one of their parishioners, some rookie named Chone Figgins, had just been called up for the first time. They asked if I wanted to meet him. I was 14, he was a big league ballplayer, I said yes.
Being an astute fan, I’d remembered his face and his unusual first name from the night before. When I saw him I thought I’d mention that I knew who he was, since I figured basically no one else in attendance that night had a clue and it might stroke his ego.
“Hey, you’re Chone Figgins, nice job last night,” I said, sounding the name out exactly as it was spelled, like the word “cone” with a hard “ch” in front.
“Thanks,” he replied brusquely, “and actually it’s pronounced Shawn.”
His dismissal of me complete, he promptly turned to converse with Mr. and Mrs. Pastor-face.
I stood red-faced until he left for his turn in the cage.
Now Mr. Figgins must have confronted similar scenarios in the past. My name is Avi Wolfman-Arent, so I’ve got plenty of experience with mispronunciation, and I try to show some sympathy for my tongue-twisted fellow man. Do I correct them? Sometimes. Do I mock them later? Absolutely. But in the moment you have to at least pretend you understand.
Maybe Chone was having a bad day, or maybe the bright lights of the show made him nervous and emotionally volatile.
But I have a feeling he’s probably just an impatient ass, because karma don’t send good people to the Seattle Mariners.
Conclusion: Always judge people based on your first interaction with them.
9) Kris Medlen P, Braves
Roger Clemens did something like this to his offspring, gave them all names starting with “K” even when the rest of us spelled the same, perfectly good name with a “C.” Based on that here’s a word of advice: Whatever Roger Clemens does as a father, do the opposite.
Medlen also shares a first name with former Met/Pirate hurler Kris Benson, which probably portends well for his dating career, but less so for his baseball one.
10) Jonny Venters P, Braves
In Jonny’s hometown of Pikeville, Kentucky the local public access channel refused to air all Sesame Street episodes sponsored by the letter “H” because of that letter’s nefarious connection to unsanctioned scientific experimentation.
The unsuspecting residents of Pikeville may never know that the “symbol shaped like a midget’s bed” has phonetic significance. As such, they are forced to wander this earth with names like “arry,” “Josua,” and “ank Williams Jr. Jr.”
11) Domonic Brown OF, Phillies
So far Domonic’s performance at the big league level has been Demonic if you ask me. If he doesn’t come back strong this year the Phillies’ chances may well be damned. Put a devil’s fork in the Phillies because....
...oh god, now I’m actually entertaining the thought that the Phillies will underachieve this year. Excuse me while I sit in a bathtub full of scorpions and scream-cry myself to sleep.
12) Mychal Thompson F, Lakers
As far as I can tell he never played baseball, and he’s long retired, but in a list like this you have to give props to the godfather.
13) Kameron Loe P, Brewers
At least this way his awkwardly spelled last name won’t feel lonely. If only Billy Beane’s parents had the same foresight.
14) Wily Mo Pena OF, Diamondbacks
Sometimes names are misleading. For example, Wily Mo Pena’s first name has one less “L” than it ought to, but if the name represented the type of ballplayer he is then it should be spelled with as many “L”s as possible, because he’s a loser. Using the same logic it should also include a bunch of silent “K”s.
New name: Willllllly Mo Penakkkkkkkkkkkk
15) Trever Miller P, Cardinals
Something about the name Trever makes me think he would use the words “stoked,” “jacked,” and/or “chill-bot” in a serious conversation
16) Huston Street P, Rockies
Huston you have offended America’s fourth-largest metropolis with your insolent misspelling of their city’s name. By the pained look on their faces it is clear that your blatant disregard for the legacy of Texas revolutionary Sam Houston chills them to their very core. Wait a second...nope...that’s just the contorted face they make when forced to leave their sofas and haul their bloated bodies to Whataburger for sustenance.
17) Mat Latos P, Padres
“Scot Shields, your legacy is safe with me.” - Mat Latos
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